Last weekend I stopped by Target for some last-minute Halloween shopping. As I made my way back to the seasonal section, I was horrified by what I found. Halloween had been hastily condensed down to two aisles. Costumes and decorations had been hastily packed haphazardly on the shelves. My poor Halloween! What happened to you?
Then I saw it, in all of it’s glittery, consumer-driven glory: Christmas! Christmas had muscled it’s way into Halloween’s territory, nearly driving it to extinction. I had been lulled into a false sense of comfort by the gorgeous fall weather, the uncrowded stores, the contemporary pop music playing everywhere I go. I knew you’d be back Christmas, but I didn’t think we would meet again so soon. I have only just recovered from the trauma of last year. I’m beginning to see trees and tinsel everywhere. Tomorrow, November 1, some local radio stations are turning over to all Christmas music all the time. I’m seeing ads featuring a fat man in red ominously reminding me that there aren’t many shopping days left. I need to hurry up and spend my money!
Wait a minute. It’s only October, right? Aren’t we skipping a few holidays?
I thought so. So I’ve decided to stand up and be a champion for the best holiday ever: Halloween. So here goes, a list of reasons why Halloween is the best:
1. Christmas is the bully of holidays.
Christmas is big and flashy. It really doesn’t share the spotlight well. Christmas starts to sneak into our lives as early as September. It is known for invading other holidays’ territory and muscling them out of the way. Shame on you, Christmas! You have your own month. Go back to December and stay there. Wait your turn and let the other holidays have their fun. Christmas even forces retail workers away from their families on Thanksgiving for Black Friday ridiculousness.
2. Halloween is in the fall.
I realize the living in the Midwest doesn’t guarantee me idyllic fall weather. It could be in the 70 and sunny, or there could be a foot of snow on the ground. However, more often than not, fall is awesome. Halloween has golden trees, bonfires, hoodies, pumpkin patches, and hayrack rides. Christmas has sub-zero temperatures, blizzards, trying to get to relatives’ houses in hazardous driving conditions, trying to put lights on your icy roof, frostbite, and general freezing-your-ass-off-dom.
People lining up outside stores in order to trample each other to death for a Tickle Me Elmo. Because of this, Christmas certainly beats Halloween in the scary factor. People don’t kill each other over a piece of junk for Halloween.
4. The clothes are better.
Sexy Pirate Costume vs. Ugly Reindeer Sweater. Is there even a contest?
The only thing you get to carve for Christmas is maybe a turkey. That’s not nearly as awesome.
Halloween is THE holiday for makeup geeks like myself. It’s the one day of the year you can go as crazy as you want with your makeup, go out in public, and get compliments. I love it!
7. The music is better.
Yes, I know, everyone loves Christmas music, right? Wrong! Retail workers are forced to listen to the same crappy songs over and over again from now until about February. By the end of the season, we are jingle belled and pa-rum-pa-pum-pummed to death. I would rather listen to Werewolves of London and Monster Mash.
8. No Gifts.
Call me unAmerican, but I think Christmas would be so much better without the gifts. I hate the idea of a day where you are forced to give and receive gifts…OR ELSE! I’m a random-gifter. I like to buy things for people when I find things that make me think of them. I hate roaming the stores agonizing over what to get people. I hate shopping in general. I’ve also started dreading getting gifts. I dread finding a place for all of the knick-knacks I will receive and asking for the receipts for the clothing that doesn’t fit or is not at all my style in a way that won’t hurt the gifter’s feelings.
9. Nobody gets angry with you for “accidentally” missing church.
Grandma never gives me an earfull for not going to church on Halloween.
10. The parties are better.
Christmas parties are generally, as a rule, awkward family and/or office events. Halloween parties are generally wild, drunken events with your friends.
11. Nobody yells at you for wishing/not wishing them a happy Halloween.
The whole Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays debacle has been a major problem my entire retail career. Merry Christmas. You’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you don’t. Technically you’re no supposed to wish anyone a merry Christmas while on the job, but lots of times, if you wish someone the more PC Happy Holidays, you’ll get your head ripped off. “IT”S MERRY CHRISTMAS GODDAMMIT!!!”
So yeah, eleven reasons why Halloween kicks Christmas’s ass. I’m sure I could keep going with this, but I should probably wrap it up. Team Halloween, feel free to add to my list. Team Christmas, you’re welcome to try to change my mind. I enjoy a good argument.